Food Fight! The Surprising Role Of Husband And Children In Your Weight Loss Journey

The very first accomplishment about which you can brag on your journey with me toward health and weight loss is making the commitment to do it with resolve and confidence. When the day arrives, begin your new relationship with yourself by taking pride in the fact that you have made a courageous choice that will change your life in many ways: some obvious, others unanticipated. Having prepared for this day, mentally and emotionally, know that success will be yours.  You cannot fail because I am here to teach you and support you when challenges arise.  I will be here to break down those challenges and continually reinforce the fact that you, and only you, control your life.  I will be here to encourage you to appreciate the obstacles you encounter and see them as opportunities to go deeper into yourself, and emerge stronger for having done so.

I might add here that this is when your journal becomes a most powerful ally. The journaling process has three steps: first, when you think about or experience something that could hamper your success, you document it immediately. Identify it and write freely about it, expressing all of your thoughts and feelings. NEVER censor yourself!!  Once you have done this, you will feel a bit of release, and you will, perhaps, find yourself able to see another side of the issue.  Step two is to write about that.  What are other ways in which you might view the obstacle? If the obstacle is a person, imagine another way to interpret his or her behavior. Look at what you might have done to create the problem. Really give this some thought and write about it!  In the final stage, you will feel compelled to seek a solution that does not negate what you feel.  This is where you really begin to grow.  Let’s practice by looking at one of the first obstacles you will typically confront in the early days of your new commitment to yourself.

Today is the day. You have made the decision to begin your journey. Whether or not you announce your intention with fanfare and a parade or with a simple proclamation, something you probably anticipated arises: it’s not just about you.  It should be, but it’s not. Right out of the gate, your husband or significant other, not to mention your children, quickly see that things have shifted, and they start feeling a bit nervous. In all likelihood, some of your past “diets” failed very early on either because you arbitrarily tried to change the way you cooked for your family…or you didn’t. Ah, one of my favorite scenarios: the damned if you do, damned if you don’t growth opportunity! Think about how problems around shopping and cooking for your family might have derailed you in the past and write about it.  Go ahead, write and don’t hold back!  Just see what comes up for you.

I’ll wait.  Take your time… Better yet, get back to me later when you’re done!

Okay, allow me to anticipate some of what you might have written. It would surprise me if this assignment didn’t evoke feelings of weariness or frustration, resentment, even, or anger. Most of my clients focus on the significant other and move quickly to judgment:

“He knows I have a problem resisting certain foods.  He should stop asking for them.”

“He should eat what I eat; it’s better for him.”

“He should be happy that I care about the way I look and help me.”

“If he really loved me, he would support me and not take it personally when I become edgy.”

Girls, you can judge him if you want to, but at the risk of upsetting some of you, this is your problem, not his. It is neither fair nor helpful to tell yourself that he has anything at all to do with your relationship with food. It is unrealistic to ask him to change his eating habits radically because you have made that choice. Could he choose to avoid eating certain foods in front of you, or to prepare them himself?  Yes.  Would he benefit from eating a high fiber, low fat diet? Absolutely.  Should he be happy that you care about your health and appearance?  One would hope.  And should he cheerfully turn the other cheek if you become a bit testy? Well…

I could tell you unbelievable stories about husbands who so feared their wife’s newest diet that they would sabotage it in ways that were laughably obvious!  But, again, let’s not judge the husband; I know it’s hard, but try to understand that he has watched you attempt countless times to lose weight, and each time, his life was disrupted and nothing was ever really gained. He has ridden the emotional roller coaster with you-maybe from a different seat, but nonetheless, the same roller coaster-and suffered your failures with you. He has been through it all, and he thinks he knows what to expect. Is it any wonder that he just believes he knows what’s coming and figures that it’s easier to derail this monster sooner rather than later?

This would be a perfect time for a bit of reflection.  How about giving hubby equal time in your journal?  Think about him, girls. What has he been through with your weight issues?  How many times have your problems with food impacted your relationship?  Do you blame him, instead of yourself for your inability to lose weight? Has he ever tried to help, even a little?  Be honest and keep writing.

Now that you have looked within, might I ask a few pointed questions?  Have you not repeatedly driven him crazy with constant talk and tears about your weight? Have you not, at some point, made him swear that you didn’t look fat in spandex? Have you not, in a moment of weakness, cajoled him into going out in a snowstorm for a pizza? Have you not, more than once, refused to attend a reunion because you felt too fat?  Has he not seen a grain of sand in years because you won’t be seen in a bathing suit? Girls, if you keep it honest, your journal could do wonders for your marriage!

Now then, are you ready to stop the blame game and finally take responsibility? Do you see that this is not your husband’s problem?  This is your problem and it is your determination that will make it go away! Okay, first you have to decide how to deal with the problem of preparing food for the family.  One possibility is for you to force-feed them the delicious, nutritious foods you plan to eat.  However, we know how that has worked in the past. You have your work cut out just changing your own eating habits: is it reasonable to think you can change everyone else’s, too? That is something you should tackle once you are strong yourself. Let’s face it; at first this whole metamorphosis is not going to be easy for you, so why make it harder by getting your family up in arms?  Let’s leave them out of it for the moment, because, quite honestly, the only person in this scenario I care about is you!  Before we solve the problem of preparing meals, I want you to make a promise to yourself. I want you to promise to release your family from any participation in your journey. I want you to understand the benefit of going solo.  Can you do this?

Great.  Accept and own the fact that this has to be your journey, and although the shopping and cooking might feel like a burden at first, you will soon find your reward in the number on the scale. In addition, when your family starts showing an interest in the food you are eating, the shift toward all-around healthy eating will have begun. No fights, no threats, no blame, no lectures, no problem!

Please understand that once you take ownership of this and absolutely accept that it is your decision for yourself, and NOBODY is expected to do ANYTHING to help, it gets easier immediately because you are no longer trying to control other people’s behavior.  Be grateful for this break from having to change others and just focus on changing yourself!  The end of the constant arguing will result in a new, peaceful existence for everyone concerned.

Now let’s get to the solution phase of this.  Pick up your journal and write down as many options as you can think of.  I’ll wait…

Again, let me suggest possibilities you might or might not have considered.  Clearly, you can prepare two meals every evening, with the added benefit of making extra for your lunch the next day.  You could certainly serve everyone some of the foods you will eat, as long as your family will enjoy them.  Make the most of the veggie course that all can enjoy!  If they’re having a steak, you enjoy a tuna steak, or another delicious piece of fish.  Yours will take less time to cook, so put it on the heat last and then sit down with your happy family and enjoy the meal!  On spaghetti night, serve yourself spaghetti squash that you prepared ahead. This way you can again have essentially the same meal as everyone else.

And, if you feel as if you are compromising too much, please try to remember that this is going to make your life easier and that is really my main objective.  This whole food thing is hard enough on its own.

If you read my blog on getting started, you know that you should eat the same basic meals each day spaced four to five hours apart.  This takes the thinking and planning out of when and what you should eat, at least, and it eliminates that frustrating search for something different to make for dinner. While you will still have to do that for everyone else, you will be very low maintenance!

Because I want your meals to be consumed at four or five hour intervals, you might discover that the perfect time for your dinner differs from your busy family’s dinnertime.  If you’re comfortable with the strategy, eat your dinner before you call the family to the table.  Again, keep yours simple, but be sure you love what you eat.  There are so many amazing foods to choose from that you really should look forward to your final meal of the day.  (Check out my e-zine for some of the wonderful recipes I just love!) Eating earlier than everyone else will alleviate the temptation to “pick.”  And then just join them with a cup of tea and enjoy dinner conversation.

I tend to have dinner when I am hungriest, usually around 5.  I have my meal planned already so preparing it for myself is easy and fast, and I can sit and enjoy a nice quiet meal without rushing.  After I am satisfied, I prepare the meal for my family.  Since I already ate, I am happy to have a cup of tea and will join them while they eat.  If I occasionally find that sitting with them is difficult, I can always spend the dinner hour doing something else while they eat.

Remember the best plan is one that is easy! It doesn’t matter how you cater to YOUR needs, as long as it works for you. Once things become “normal” (and they will, sooner than you think!) you will be able to control your eating in any situation. Don’t forget that your mood sets the tone for the entire family.  When you’re happy, the family is happy.  So, no matter how you decide to handle the meal situation, do what works for you, without guilt or rationalization.

About the Author

Berta Prevosti is a respected weight loss counselor who has educated and empowered hundreds of women JUST LIKE YOU to lose the excess weight that prevents them from living their dream and becoming the woman they were meant to be.  Her gift, and the reason her program is SO SUCCESSFUL, is her ability to break down every detail of your weight loss journey so you can be prepared for the challenges and understand the emotional components behind them.    If you liked this article, you’ll LOVE her blog and FREE e-zine sign up at http://www.justloseit.com/blog.

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